Today we remember the 40th day since dad passed away. Offered prayers for his soul during yesterday’s mass and especially dedicated the 6am mass for him today at the Transfiguration of Our Lord Parish Church.
While in the mass, I couldn’t hold back my tears. In my mind were flashes of my dad’s images when he was still in the hospital. The first image was when he was being transferred to the ICU after he underwent a dialysis and the next was when he was being brought out of there already covered with a white sheet of blanket.
I remember, we were on the way to the hospital with my sisters, just around 15-20 minutes away, when my Kuya called that our father already joined his Creator. I was shocked yet there was no tear that flowed from my eyes. Everything just shut off!
And then came to mind those moments when he was really in pain, overly anxious and wanted to remove all the apparatus attached to him in the ICU. So vivid that I wanted to forget that part in my memory…It was not easy to let go but when I think of the way he had suffered, along with it came the strength to make me accept God’s will. Losing him (and mom 2 years ago) made me discovered strength I didn’t know I had.
But when you think you're feeling strong, the pain just creeps back up to you.
The problem with grief is, it stays, it doesn’t ever leave you. Losing someone, as your parents, is not something you get “over” with. There’s no definite grieving period, not 40 days, not a year or so, maybe a lifetime. I think about them EVERYDAY, alone or not, moreso when I see other people’s parents around. I wish they stayed a little bit more. I hope I made life happier for them. I wish they spent more time with Raphael to watch him grow and make them proud...and so on.
For now, the only way to make my grief meaningful is to learn how to really live- make each day count, be a good parent myself, build a family that is based on love. I'm proud that my parents were able to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary in their lifetime, a feat they have achieved out of genuine love and commitment to each other. Tough act to follow, but who knows. . .oh well, that’s another story!
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4 comments:
death is a gift paige. any moment, you will learn how to cope with the loss of your dad. i lost my dad in '87. and that time dad was my world. my sis said that "daddy's little girl" was an understatement when used to decribe my relationship with him. its been years...but yes, i still think of him. but everytime i do, i cant help but smile. i know i have made him proud for what i have achieved. im even proud of my mistakes and would want to make kuwento everything to him when i see him up there. my dad gets me excited with life. that's why, inspite of the struggles, i am in love with life now. because i know that way, id make him say up there "that's the way to go, my little girl!" love you paige! and ill always be here for you. that's a promise...for a lifetime.
@ paige - when piper told me you had a new post, i was really surprised because up until before i got back to slepp again at 5am, there was nada... piper too told me you had a new song playing...
cosmic? hmm.. i don't know... perhaps we were on to our blogs at the same time and it's prettty coincidence that the song i added on our playlist was this...
Artist : Dishwalla
Title : Angels Or Devils
Lyrics:
This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time, I will fall
Into a place that fails us all, inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time
The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear, to see
Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time
The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
If I was to give in, give it up
And then
Take a breath, make it deep
'Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
paige, it is only now that it really dawned on me... all halliwels lost their dad to heart ailment... and like you, i wish too he had stayed longer... that we had more and longer moments together... hmmm... God has given that to us... we are a heartbeat and a thought away only... our dads never left our side... they just moved on to a better place.
i pray that your grief be taken away... let us instead rejoice that now, no distance... no sickness... no other woman... can take them from us... death made them stay with us eternally.
whisper to daddy... he listens... he may even be missing you more than you do about him...
blessed be...
@ piper - you've made and continually makes your dad a proud father... that i'm sure.
GRabeh! did u know that i searched for the lyrics of the song just before u posted ur comment? u got me there! the song sooo fits my state of mind. ganda friend! love u for that! i was reading piper's comment and sobrang swak naman the scoring...e siympre naiyak ako! both of ur
messages are so touching. thank u. i will heal, in time...with u and piper around me, life is a little better.
so.... you love me now? hehehe! my love is sometimes unspoken... get the drift?
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